After the Opener – How to Actually Converse with a Woman
A lot of guys who join the Project Chicago Lair tell us they’ve got a great opener they’re comfortable with using, or they’re good at making situational openers, “but then I go blank and feel like I’ve got nothing to talk about.”
There are a few simple tips to follow that will at least get you into having a conversation with a woman. By following these guidelines, you’ll be able to get beyond your opener and well into a set.
- Make eye contact – Look her straight in the eye. Eye contact has been linked to increased liking and feelings of affection between strangers. As Leil Lowndes discusses in her book, How to Make Anybody Fall In Love With You (still a classic in the field), sustained eye contact raises levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), a chemical linked to romantic love and feelings of euphoria and attachment.
- Speak slowly. I can’t do better than this post and video by Sasha PUA about how guys shoot themselves in the foot by talking too fast. It’s a natural reaction when you’re nervous to speak more and speak faster. But if you consciously slow your roll on the gabber, you’ll actually make yourself feel less nervous, and make her feel more comfortable (and sensual) as well.
- Speak deeply. Women are attracted to a deep voice. Maybe yours isn’t that deep. But if you’re like most guys, you could probably speak a little more deeply, and let your voice resonate a little more from your chest, than you currently do. Since most guys don’t pay attention to how they use your voice, even if you don’t naturally have a deep, resonant voice, you can at least outdo your competition with minimal effort. (Hell, that’s something that can be said for all kinds of factors as well – like how you dress or groom yourself, for example.) A few years ago, I met a guy who was hooking up with all kinds of girls where we both worked – and having to literally turn away girls that were throwing themselves at him to have time to hook up with the others. He didn’t have particularly great “game,” and even sometimes said things that really turned the girls off. Later, I was hanging out with some of those girls, and they all agreed it was his deep voice that attracted them. One of them even said, “I hate some of the things he says, but I love to listen to him say them.”
- Take your time – Women want sex as much as men, they just don’t always talk about it as much. As the legendary Juggler (Wayne Elise) once explained it, think about how you would want an interaction with a woman to go if you knew for a fact that sex was guaranteed in the end. You’d probably want it to be fun and relaxed, and you wouldn’t feel the need to put any kind of pressure on the girl. As long as you don’t hide your sexual interest in her, if you keep the vibe light and playful like that, you can expect much better results.
- Talk about what interests her and relate it to yourself – Ask her about her hobbies, favorite books, and movies, whatever. You’ve probably heard the cliché that everybody’s favorite subject is themselves. That’s because it’s true. But to build rapport, you should also relate her values to yourself. (And by “values” I don’t mean things that she intellectually believes are “supposed to” be important – because her church or family or whoever says they are. I mean things that have an emotional resonance with her.) Does she like traveling? Why? What does that allow her to feel? “Free?” Great. Your next line – “I know exactly what you mean. That’s how I feel when I’m hang gliding. Like I’m free.” This shows you share her deeper values.
- Disqualify yourself. Yep, as counterintuitive as it is, this builds a lot of trust and comfort. Another gem from our good friend, Juggler (Wayne Elise). To do this effectively, you want to do two things – (1) agree with whatever value or qualification she brings up, and (2) admit that you don’t live up to it. For example, “I’m really concerned about the environment, and I think people should recycle everything they possibly can. I hate it when people don’t care about the environment.” Most guys would try to kiss her ass by saying how they recycle everything and only ride bicycles, etc. But instead, try agreeing with her about how important the environment is, then admitting that you don’t recycle as much as you could, or that your car doesn’t get very good gas mileage. Counterintuitively, this can create a lot of trust. Since it seems like you would want to bullshit her about how green you are, she’ll see you as someone who’s honest and that she can trust. She’ll also see you as someone who is so confident in his own value that he doesn’t feel the need to try so hard, like all the other guys.
Follow these few tips, and you’ll see girls being more attracted to you, and wanting the conversation to go further. And don’t just follow these tips like techniques where you can just go through the motions. Do it like you mean it. Chances are better, she will do you like she means it.